Sunday, December 21, 2008

Princess in the Park

Her little face reflected innocence, yet her eyes conveyed a sadness not typically expressed by a six year old little girl.

Struggling to carry the large container of rice from my beloved's truck, I noticed her immediately. She was at the front of the line waiting with her mother and siblings for us to begin serving lunch. I had never seen her there before and my heart silently wept for her. I wanted to give her a hug and tell her everything was going to be ok.

Filling up empty bellies, the hot food warmed up 75 shivering bodies, reminding me of what it means to love and be loved. After all, it could be any one of us standing in that line.

A few minutes after everyone had been served, I walked past the little girl and her family and noticed she didn't have a hat protecting her head from the elements. As the temperature continued to drop, I wanted to do something for her but didn't know what to do and I didn't want to be intrusive. It was at that moment God spoke to me clearly and I knew what I needed to do to extend His love. Like a little flag her tiny pink scarf beckoned to me and I knew exactly what would compliment her little outfit. Whipping off my pink Santa hat, I placed it on her head and told her it went better with her outfit than mine.

The little girl looked up at me silently, while her mother thanked me for the gift. I said "no problem", but I was the one who was blessed. After all, every beautiful little princess deserves to be crowned and I was the one who had been captivated.


Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Monday, October 13, 2008

Blind Rage and Being Smacked With the Truth

Trust is a core value of mine that is very hard for me to give to a guy I am interested in. Everybody knows I wear my heart on my sleeve and my passion for life 98% of the time allows me to forge deep friendships with people.

I used to open my heart up and jump in more times than I have cared to in relationships with people who did not place God into the center of their lives. To some degree it has shaped my natural expectation of how I am going to be treated in a relationship and if things fall out of my ability to control (based on fear) or my expectations (whatever they may be) I freak.

No more excuses. I sat through yet another week of the Truth Project and came to realize how much my flesh really fights against what I know to be right. That inherently, by design, I need to as a Child of God suppress what I really want to do and say and respond with Godly love and kindness. I don't mean to be a jerk. Truly in my heart of hearts, I am reacting out of fear. What does God say about fear? He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. Wow, am I really responding in that capacity? NO!

I must take responsibility for my actions. Stop expecting things to be about me and start to open my eyes to the world around me and embrace the struggle of push forward to be transformed into what God has designed me to be as a whole, happy, child of God.

It's not about me. It should never be about me. I am not a child of this world anymore. I am a child of God and must strive to live my life intentionally, with unconditional love and with the knowledge that He ultimately has a plan for my life that exceeds my expectations. What are the fruits of the Spirit? Love, Joy , Peace, Patience, Gentleness, Kindness, Faith, Meekness and Self-Control...none of which I exhibit when my humanity kicks in fully.

So with great humility I write knowing my entire life has been laid down at the feet of Jesus in an act of surrender.

No longer can I act like a victim or that I have been slighted. I need to walk with the knowledge that I am responsible for my responses and the eyes of the world are watching to see how I reacted.

I am embarassed to say the least about my behavior, but there is no better salve for a wound that keeps festering than placing it out there for everybody to be made aware of and to serve as a reminder to me of my fallibility and need for God to be the my number one priority in life.

A few months ago I wrote on forgiveness and the act of it. Well now I can see where I really need to take it one step forward and be alert, for the enemy is like a roaring lion seeking who he can devour. I need to take a deep breath and think before I speak. Sure passion is a great thing to embrace, but only in the right context. I am tired of making excuses. So now I take responsibility.

I am sorry.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Stoking the Fire

The tangible absence of his smile, glance and embrace cracks wide my soul, exposing the true depth of my heart.

Never shun the gift of love or hide it under a bushel to be darkened by fear. For it is in the cocoon of our existence a metamophosis of beauty reflects the sights and sounds of Our Created intention.

O wise and brave Warrior, life's daily battles attempt to thwart the fires of our existence, but the glowing embers of our love beckons the other to rest and bask in the serenity of Divine purpose.

The marked absence of you tinges my being with a longing to be near you, but pain serves me a reminder that growth can only occur under the constraints of being stretched.

Til I am with him again Father, stoke the fires of my soul and each morning ignite our hearts with fresh passion and fire for the other.

I love You God. You have created me for such a life as this and never again will I forsake your words or quiet beckoning. Let my faith rise and cause Love to flow out of me igniting others with a passion for You.

Let the love my Beloved and I have for each other reflect the love and passion we have for You and may we never esteem the other above Your will for our lives.

Life is Romance...stoke the fires of our existence and kindle afresh a hunger and thirst that only You can fill.


Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Friday, September 12, 2008

Fuel Fast

At what point do you say enough is enough and make more of an effort to use your legs to transport you from point A to B?

Considering gas costs are rising rapidly due to Hurricane Ike and locally fuel is expected to hit $5 a gallon over the weekend, my speculation is that less demand on the consumption of fuel relieves two major issues Americans fight everyday...obesity and laziness.

May I suggest we make an effort to get off of our lazy butts, walk around more, be more disciplined in what we indulge in for luxury and quit fussing about the price of fuel?

How do I know it works? Well, does losing forty pounds in the past year motivate you to take a closer look at your lifestyle? How about the exchange of one luxury for another...Yes I pay for my lakefront apt, but the tradeoff has been no cable, fewer trips to dine out (thus eliminating the need to gorge) and more opportunities to build relationships with friends and family...

I would much rather activate social responsibility by sponsoring my two Rwandan World Vision children and making sure their quality of life improves dramatically over buying the latest Fall fashion. Don't get me wrong, I love to look smoking hot, but the impulse is carefully considered prior to making the purchase and I balance it all out needs vs wants.

Now if I can just break my Blackberry addiction...

How are you adjusting your life in this bulimic economy?
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Anticipation fuels me more than caffeine?

So my week of craziness is quickly drawing to a close and I am once again wide awake at 1 in the morning. Perhaps a baseball bat cracked across the back of my noggin would suffice, but on second thought I kind of like anticipating when I will hear from Favian next.

After 15 months deployed in the the sandbox my guy is on his way home and in 5 short days I leave to meet up with him in Germany. Even the marked absence of normal day to day communication with him isn't unnerving the situation for I have kept myself focused at my office and home.

Do you remember as a child lying awake at night waiting for Christmas morning to finally arrive? I have the same feverish excitement captivating my emotions and propelling me forward. The life defining moments leading us in our journey towards each other, has fired every nerve ending in my body and I am acutely aware of everything going on around me. Forget any need for caffeine as life's motivation...this time it is the realization God had something far greater than either one of us could even imagine.

So, once again I am blogging with Blackberry in hand, trying to lassoe a million thoughts stampeding my brain. Tuesday is just around the corner and I have no problem staying occupied with my day to day enjoying life's Great Romance.

You may not believe in fairytales, but I sure as heck am living a real live one. I cannot wait to trade a lifetime of sorrow for the embrace and kiss of my FAVorite prince and at 35, he has been well worth the wait!!!

Idealistic? Perhaps, but how do you anticipate those moments that define the adventure of life? I would much rather live with my head in the clouds, optimistically believing God loves and takes care of me, than undergoing a painful extraction of my head out of my backside, obstructing my view of God's fulfillment of purpose in my life.

So here I am anticipating the moment I embrace my FAV guy for we are making memories of us. Anticipation it IS more energizing than my usual quad shot of Starbucks espresso and that is alright with me!!!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Insomnia and a Packing List

It really stinks when you know you have to be at work in 5 hours and 53 minutes, yet the thought of falling asleep is an elusive and passing thought at the moment. So rather than attempt to assuage my body's natural inclination towards recapturing beauty, I instead have chosen to do something completely random to fill up my time. Needless to say, perusing the top artist charts on myspace at 2 in the morning to find that perfect song for my profile has left me less than satisfied yet again. Hmm...I really need to get on a more disciplined time schedule or maybe my body has subconsciously started to prepare itself for my trip to Ansbach next week.

Someone asked me tonight if I had started packing yet. Yeah right. We are talking about me, Laura, the person with a right brain tendency, who tends to let information rattle around in her brain until a system of acceptable organization clarifies her strategy and THEN applies a series of tactics to achieve her ultimate goal. Having just said this, more often than not, I do tend to wait til the last minute to pack for any trip. I guess it has always been part of my so called adventure in life. Of course, I would much rather have everything packed so I have enough time to kick back and mentally prepare myself for one heck of a trip.

I suppose I could spend all day Saturday packing, but that defeats the purpose of a relaxing weekend away from the stress of work. Hmm....considering I already made out several lists, I think I will do what I do best which is relax and enjoy the last few remnants of available beach time before Fall descends upon Savannah. The packing will just have to wait.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Cat and Dog Theology

Stepping into the cool darkness of my apartment my feet were almost knocked out from underneath me by a flash of beige and black fur assaulting me at the door. Mitzy in her enthusiasm to greet me almost took out a chair and lamp in the process, but I didn't care for her for it was in that very moment I felt loved and wanted by somebody who didn't care if I loved her back in return. She just wanted affection and lots of it. Even feeding and freshening up her water bowl did not stop the wag of her tail or the constant licks she lavished on me. She seemed to inherently sense that I was home and wanted nothing more than to hang out with me for a while.

On the other side of the equation my two felines could have cared less if I walked in door other than to merely look up at me in sheer boredom, dropping their heads back down to catnap or preen. The only time I got any attention from them was either when they wanted food or for me to turn on the faucet in the sink. Their curiousity marked their general entrances in the room, but for the most part didn't dare get within 5 feet of me or risk getting torn apart limb to limb by an exuberant Tibbie. Their self reliance and focus was evident, for it was all about them.

The way people live their Christian walk is alot like cats and dogs. When we pray, is it to ask God for things to satisfy me me me like a cat or are we like dogs where we have no other joy than to lavish our love and affections on our Heavenly Father and His delight is evident in us by the amount of attention He gives us back in return.

Here is the perfect litmus test. When you pray, do you pray out of wants and needs, or do you pray because you love God and want to tell him? Is your prayer life marked like a cats where it is centered around you or is it like that of a dog where you love love love?

Think about it...No really...Think about it long and hard.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Compassion

Ask and you shall receive, knock and the door will be open to you. Each and every morning as I awaken, I am reminded of the grace of God, His overwhelming love in my life and a desire to live my life with Passion. Recently I experienced a major falling out with a group of people that shook me to the very core and essence of my being. They aren't bad people, but in the realm of my existence I had merely grown apart from their perspective in living and simply did not have the same objective in life.

A few weeks ago I wrote about forgiveness and the choice to love unconditionally even when it was the hardest thing to do. Now looking back, I can honestly say that the decision to act has now been confirmed through my feelings...I feel the depth of forgiveness and now see them through the eyes of compassion. To shut my mouth when all I want to do is defend my position is a very humbling place to be in...I am passionate about everything I do in life and defying my carnal nature and actively do something despite retaliation by others is more powerful than anything one can experience.

Think about it. We are all participants in the game of life, but like any game there is room for only a handful of players for your game and the stands are filled with spectators who fill no other purpose other than to observe the game and input their criticism and observation. Do you listen only to them or to your Head coach who knows what is best for your life?

I have chosen to take the latter road. As many of my girlfriends have become aware of, I recently had the opportunity to go out on a date with a former NFL Center who seemed to have the ideal life except for one major thing...Christ was not the number one priority in his life and that became a real problem for me. He threw around his status and his wealth in a manner that made me stop and recognize that those two things were the only thing in life that defined him. In discussing the issue further, he told me that he could have any woman in the world and he had pinpointed me as the one he had re-arranged his schedule to take to dinner. I wasn't a priority and that was the defining moment for me. I made other plans to go on a retreat and at the last second he decided to make the trip in his $200,000 automobile, but I could have cared less. What if he got in an accident? What if God took it all away like JOB? Money comes and money goes, but the character of a person defines their life. In reality, I realized that what defined him wasn't good enough, for he may have had status, but he wasn't bigger than the Creator of the Universe.

What defines you? If everything was to be taken away from you today..could you look God fully in the face unashamed and know that you have been placed under a mantle of His Grace, that you have passionately pursued Him for every area of your life and that you have the compassion to pour into others as an extension of yourself. I am far from perfect, but am striving to live a blameless life and put the past behind me. I pray for you that God would bless your life today, that you radiate with His presence and you find ways to be captivating, not out of your own selfishness but because of His mercy and love for you.

What defines me? I pray and hope the next few months would really show a transformation in how the character of who I am on the inside be manifested on the outside in what I do to share the love of Christ with others and not come across as patronizing to those who don't understand.

In His Grip....

Laura Aka Betty Rocker

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

The Giant Kiss

Life is not a game of striving and indulgence. It is not a long march of duty and obligation. It is not, as Henry Ford once said, "one damn thing after another." Life is a desperate quest through dangerous country to a destination that is, beyond all our wildest hopes, indescribably good. Only by conceiving our days in this manner can we find our way safely through. You see, different roads lead different places. To find the Land of Desire, you must take the journey of desire. You can't get there by by any other means. If we are to take up the trail and get on with our quest, we've got to get our hearts back, which means getting our desire back.
-Desire...John Eldredge

Stepping out into the heat and humidity of the morning, I gazed up into the sky in a moment of reflection and was greeted by the sight of a giant X ripped across the sky. The after effects of a Air Force Jet marked the sky in a smoky crisscrossed trail. Gazing up in wonderment, I felt the love of God and it was at that moment I realized He had sent me a gigantic kiss to greet my day. As small as I feel under the weight of healing the wounds of my past, He has been the one constant in all of my life. His perfection marks my unperfection. His unwavering love dispels my wavering. His grace covers me when my humanity shines forth.

Waves of emotional attacks have unleashed against my soul over the past several weeks as I have travelled the path towards wholeness. My desert of testing has left me panting for water and sustenance and the only thing bringing me peace are the moments spent quietly communing with my Heavenly Father. As the wounds of my past are exposed and its infections cleaned out, I draw strength from the words which leap off the page at me through scripture and the resonating sounds of a surrendered heart worshipping a Heavenly Father who is the only thing that can rescue us in life.

Emotional sewage has tired me. The heat of the Refiner's fire has forced the dross of sin in my life to rise to the top. As God reveals and brings the sin to the surface, I feel the weight lifting and healing power purifying me. I no longer desire to live behind a wall compounding the aches and pangs of living and instead choose to confront the pain head on so that I may live life to the fullest.

Psalm 63:1-8
God--you're my God! I can't get enough of you!
I've worked up such hunger and thirst for God, traveling across dry and weary deserts.
So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open, drinking in your strength and glory.
In your generous love I am really living at last! My lips brim praises like fountains. I bless you every time I take a breath; My arms wave like banners of praise to you.
I eat my fill of prime rib and gravy; I smack my lips. It's time to shout praises!
If I'm sleepless at midnight, I spend the hours in grateful reflection. Because YOU've always stood up for me, I'm free to run and play. I hold on to you for dear life, and you hold me steady as a post.

Wow, man may fail me, but YOU have always stood up for me. X marks the spot, the adventure has begun...

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