Out of the Ashes

Something inside of me happens when I prepare food for the homeless.  I find myself wondering if they are going to like iit and I do all I can to make a meal for them that warms their belly, warms their heart and fuels them for a few days.

 

Today was no exception.  Earlier on in the week I had committed to making dessert for 125 people and spent most of Saturday night and the early part of this morning preparing it.  I get a sense of satisfaction out of giving to others and with Ben deployed it fills up the time for me in a way that is beyond measurement.  The separation has been difficult for me to contend with sometimes and I will confess I have struggled with periodic bouts of depression.

 

My golden retriever Sara almost wouldn’t let me out the front door.  She has begun to connect large quantities of food I take out the door with going to the park and she was not about to let me leave without her.  So I hooked her to her leash and took her with me.  She has become a tool I use to reach out to the homeless, since her friendly demeanor and constant demands for affection prove too irresistible to the average person and it opens the doorway for communication with them.

 

As the homeless cycle through the food line, I like to stand a few feet down from the food tables and try to greet each person with a warm smile and friendly hello.  Well into the time of serving, I noticed a couple standing in line for a second helping of food.  I started talking to them and found out their names were Todd and Tammy.  Two weeks ago they had lost everything and had been living on the streets.  She told me that our food was the best meal they ate every week and with tears streaming down her face she conveyed to me how hungry she was and how mad at God she was for having to go through this.  I gave her the biggest hug because at that point I didn’t know what to say.

 

What do you tell somebody who has lost everything, used to have faith in God and now feels abandoned by Him?  She is hurting badly.  Even though I know God is in control of the situation, I almost feel as though I would patronize the situation by relaying that to her.  So instead,  I told her that I enjoyed making the food for them and that it was prayed over each week.  I also told her that I would be praying for her and her situation. 

 

I believe the answer lies in relationship.  Regardless of the tragedy, the pain or the hardship in life, I do know that God wakes people up to serve or be served. I have seen that In the midst of tragedy He does his best work restoring lives and mending hearts.  Tammy may not understand all that she is going through right now, but I do know that having crossed her path I am challenged to stay consistently focused in reaching out to those God is restoring and to pray for their freedom.  She may not see it now, but out of the rubble of tragedy and the ashes of despair, the tapestry of her life is being woven out of the fibers of her experiences.

 

So I leave you with this.  How are you weaving the fibers of your life?

You Know You're An Army Wife

You know you're an Army wife when...

...you can unpack a house and have everything in place in 48 hours
...you string Constantina wire to keep the neighbor's kids out of your flower beds
...your husband's work and dress clothes cost more than yours do
...you've changed more oil and mowed more lawns than your husband because he's never there to do it himself
...you use a crook-neck flashlight with a red lens during power outages because it's the only one you can ever find in the house
...your children say "hooah" or "roger that" instead of "ok"
...you know that it's normal to light shoe polish on fire and that the best way to spit-shine boots is with cotton balls
...your husband does a route recon and takes a GPS for a trip to the mall
...you only write in pencil because EVERYTHING is subject to change
...you need a translator to talk to your civilian friends, only because they have no idea what DFAS, AER, TDY, ACS, NPD, PCS, and ETS mean
...you have a larger selection of curtains than Walmart does
...you can remember where you kept the Scotch tape in your last house, but unfortunately, not in this one
...you mark time in duty stations, not years
...you refer to friends not only by name but by the state that they live in
...you know that "back home" doesn't mean at the house you live in now
...you tear up when you hear "Proud to Be An American," even though you've heard it 50 times by now
...you know that a 2 month separation IS short, no matter what your civilian friends say
...you ALWAYS know when payday is and get ticked off if there are more than 2 weekends during that pay period
...you know better than to go to the PX or commissary between 11:30 and 13:00 unless it's a life or death emergency
...you show your military ID to the greeter at Walmart
...you know that any reference to "sand" or a "box" describes NTC at Ft. Irwin, not your kid's backyard toys
...you know that "Ft. Puke" is a completely accurate description of Ft. Polk
...you find yourself explaining your husband's LES to him
...you have enough camouflage in your house to wallpaper the White House
...you don't have to think about what time 21:30 is
...you've ever been referred to as "Household 6"
...you're the TC, not a backseat driver
...you start ripping open MREs and looking for the M&Ms when you run out of Halloween candy

Numbers

Reprinted with permission from my husband Ben...

Hello Everyone,

I got off work Monday morning here to learn the news of the death of the famous actress, Brittany Murphy, and it sparked a thought that has been floating through my head for awhile. I realized that I wouldn't be able to sleep until I wrote it down. I posted it to my blog, my first post in months, at http://mysandyjungle.blogspot.com if you want to check it out there, but I also wanted to share it by email. Please let me know what you think and please feel free to pass it around unnamed. I'm not doing this to get my name out there, but merely my thoughts.

Thanks you guys, and gals. I miss you all and cant wait to come home.

Ben

Numbers

When did it all start? Was it Vietnam with the body count? Or was it long before that, in the beginning of time and the beginning of war itself.

As far as I can remember, war has been depersonalized. Is it for the good of the country? For the good of the cause? In World War II, the media was censored from releasing pictures of dead American soldiers so that public support of the war back in the states would not crumble. Our government was afraid that if America saw the bodies of our soldiers rolling lifeless on the beaches of Normandy, pushed around by the surf, their Marines laying dead on the sands of Iwo Jima or Guadalcanal, that she, America, would scream for the war to end.

Before Pearl Harbor, our country was in a state of isolationism. America was adamant about not going to war with any country. Not with the memories of The Great War fresh in her mind. But a surprise attack by naval forces of the Empire of Japan quickly changed the public opinion.

And with the censorship of those photos, the country as a whole was not seeing the whole picture. They didn't really have the opportunity to know what was happening thousands of miles away. Only the small towns across the nation really felt it differently, because when one of their boys was killed in action, word got around quick and that one loss was felt among many families and friends. But the next town over, much less the next state over, was not aware of that one soldier's fate. Not aware that a boy that grew up not fifty miles away had sacrificed his life "upon the altar of freedom."

Was it decided that it wasn't proper for America to know how many soldiers were losing their lives in the European and Pacific theaters? Was it the right thing to do? It's a tough point to argue, but I believe it was necessary. The Allies were fighting a just war, against formidable enemies that were wreaking havoc across many nations. These enemies, the Germans, the Japanese....were unwelcome in the land they were occupying, and they needed to leave. The British were trying, but they knew they couldn't do it without the help of the Armed Forces of the United States.

Although it wasn't our country being overrun by enemy tanks or our cities being bombed everyday, we couldn't sit at home and do nothing while the rest of the world was fighting for its very survival. And the events of December 7, 1941 forever changed our thoughts, thrusting us into a costly war, a war that we needed to be involved in, no matter the cost. And so the eyes of American citizens were shielded from the true horrors of war to help ensure their full support and in turn helping to bring victory to the Allies and restoring world order. 

But I sometimes wonder. Would things have turned out differently if the pictures of those dead soldiers and Marines had made it into the hands of America? I think it's quite possible. It's a pretty good bet that not as many people would have bought war bonds to help keep the war going. At the same time, it is a thought that I try not to ponder, because I am thankful for the outcome of that war. It allowed my grandfather to come home and meet my grandmother so they could have four kids, including my mother, who gave birth to my brother and I and allowed us the opportunity to grow up in a free country. This is an opportunity that a lot of people around the world do not get to experience, and I am thankful for this everyday.

I am thankful to God and His son Jesus Christ for creating us and giving us the free will to choose whatever we please. So in a sense, the media censorship, in my mind, was the right thing to do.

Sometimes there are things that happen that we are better off not knowing. It is a sad truth. Vietnam changed that.....and in the harshest of ways. In the jungles of southeast Asia, there was no censorship of the media. Video cameras were rolling, in color, as American blood was spilt in a country where President Lyndon Baines Johnson stated, "We are not about to send American boys nine or ten thousand miles away from home to do what Asian boys ought to be doing for themselves."

America soon found itself in a long, drawn out war with no front lines, a rising body count on both sides, and no end in sight. The American people were in tune to what this "conflict" or "police action" was costing, and they were not happy with the price. Public support quickly crumbled and questions were flying left and right. Why are we over there? What are our soldiers fighting for? When is this going to end? When am I going to see my husband, my son, my brother, my sister, my daughter again, if ever? America wanted out, badly.

And so on January 27, 1973, eleven years after we arrived and after fifty-eight thousand one hundred and fifty nine American soldiers laid down their lives, we left that jungle. The soldiers that were lucky enough to return home with their lives were given a not so warm welcome. No parades, no celebrations, except maybe amongst themselves and their families. Instead, they were sneered at and labeled "baby killers." It would be years before these brave men and women were recognized and appreciated for their sacrifices and the sacrifices of their comrades who breathed their last breath in a foreign land, fighting an enemy they could not see, for a cause that many didn't understand or believe in. "All gave some, some gave all."

To this day, the citizens of this great nation have not forgotten the mistakes of that war. They have moved on, trying to put it behind them, but never to forget. America had smelled the blood from the homefront and was now more cautious than ever about sending their troops to foreign battlefields. 

Since the Vietnam War, and I think its safe to say that it was a "war," American troops have been sent abroad as a global police force to "keep evil in check" and do what we believe is right. But now we find ourselves, once again, in a long, drawn out war, on two fronts.

Following the terrorist attacks of September 11th, American troops and her allies set foot in Afghanistan and declared war against Osama bin Laden, al-Qaeda and the Taliban. Barely two years later, we returned to the Middle East, set to finish a job that many believe should have been done twelve years earlier when Bush, Sr. was in charge. American troops stormed through the deserts of Iraq, battling its way to Baghdad, hellbent on removing Saddam Hussein from power. This war supposedly ended quicker than it began, and before long, Saddam was in custody and ready to stand trial for his atrocities. There was no doubt in the American mind that this man had to take responsibility for his actions and suffer the consequences.

In the beginning though, the numbers of American dead were low, and this was accepted as a price that had to be paid to do what was right. But even though the big battles were over, the real battle had yet to begin. Over the next few years, more and more American soldiers were losing their lives in Afghanistan and Iraq, but as this trend continued, the media started to put a number on the amount of American lives lost. Maybe not to depersonalize these men and women, but to show in their way to the nation what these two conflicts were costing our country. It raised the question of why troops were still over there and if this really was worth it. 

We are now in our eighth year in Afghanistan and sixth year in Iraq. I myself am on my first deployment, sitting somewhere in Afghanistan, here to do my job, to do it well, let my "hopefully" months to pass by quickly, and God willing, return home safely to my beautiful bride. But then there is today's event in the news that sparked this whole urge to write my thoughts.

I had just gotten off a twelve and a half hour shift and was getting ready to get some much needed sleep. We were climbing into bed when the news started filtering around that Brittany Murphy, the famous actress, had died of cardiac arrest. This came as a shock, and a surprise, as she is still young and I wouldn't have imagined this happening to her. It is tragic that she died so young and I am no doubt saddened by this. She was a good actress and as far as I could tell, a good person. There was no doubt that the media would spend a few days, maybe even weeks, talking about the circumstances of her death, and the highlights of her life. It wasn't long ago that Michael Jackson died suddenly, and even though it was months ago, the media was still talking about it, keeping the attention of the American people on one person, as though a country had lost its King. 

But is all this really necessary? Is the outcome of the investigation of Michael Jackson's death really going to affect how we live our lives? Will wars be won or lost? Will the earth be thrown off its axis? I really doubt it. Maybe I am being too insensitive. If you are reading this and think so, then fine. I am going to disagree with you if you do.

For some time it has bothered me how much attention the media gives to our celebrities. Not just their deaths, but of their everyday lives and thoughts and opinions. These celebrities have no special super powers. They are not geniuses, nor scientists, nor the great minds of America that make the big decisions in government. They are entertainers, and they get paid a lot of money to do what they do, which is fine. But what is it about them that makes them the center of the universe? I'm starting to get a little off point here, so let me return to the issue that I have been wanting to bring up this whole time. 

When is the media going to stop reporting the loss of American lives as numbers? When are they going to act like they care and starting reporting their names? Where are they from? What small town was affected by their loss? What big city or state can stand up and learn about one of their own that has fallen for their freedom?

I realize that this is not why our fighting American men and women volunteer to serve their country. They do not do it for fame, for fortune, or to be in the spotlight. Some do it because they feel it is their duty. Some do it for the experience, the college money, to improve themselves, or maybe because they have nowhere else to go and they have a family to support, so they give up their civilian life and enlist. They are a people that America loves and appreciates everyday.

So I ask this of the media. Would you be so kind as to set aside thirty seconds of your daily news report, or maybe even once a week, to remember the names of the fallen? To let America know the name of that latest soldier that lost their life in the battle against terrorism/ Bring their sacrifice home. We know that America already cares about them. But I myself am tired of hearing them as a number.

I want to know who number nine hundred and fifty seven was. What was their name? Where were they from? You want to feel the pulse of the American people? Tell us. Make us care that much more. Make it personal. Make us aware of the true American heroes that "gave it all."

Thank you

All Skyped Up

I have to tell you that Skype has become my new best friend since Ben deployed.  To no avail we have tried yahoo and msn to communicate via webcam, but Skype outshines them all!!!

 

Dylan the Dalmation

Sunday night as I walked into Late Church, I saw my homeless friend Curtis, aka Hulk because he looks like Hulk Hogan, was sitting on one of the benches. His 3 month old puppy Dylan was laying about 5 feet from his feet and not looking so good. The week before he was running all over the place and tonight he looked really sick. I had brought some dog food for Curt to give to Dylan and the dog wouldn't touch it. Curt said he had been throwing up everything he ate or drank and was hot to the touch. My heart sank as I realized this was pretty serious. I told Curt to keep an eye on him and if anything changed to find a phone and call me.

Monday morning Curtis called me and told me Dylan was throwing up violently. I told him to sit tight and that I would try and find a vet. After placing a plethora of phone calls around Savannah, I found one willing to look at the dog for just an exam fee. I took Curtis and Dylan to the vet where it was quickly determined that the dog had parvo and was near death's door. Curtis was heartbroken and became worried that he would have to put his puppy down.

Parvo is a viral disease that attacks a dogs stomach lining and literally causes the dog to die within three days if not treated properly. This little puppy could be treated but the hospital bill was estimated to be $600 at the minimum.

Seeing the opportunity, I had no other choice but to step up and do what I could to reach out to this little puppy.

Whispering a prayer to God, I told the vet to work on saving the puppy and I would reach out to friends and volunteers down at the park to see if anybody would be willing to step up. Well God blew me away and still is. Within 36 hours four people stepped up with $375 for the bill. Now I just need $225 more and I really am trusting God to multiply it back to those who so generously gave.

Little dylan is fighting hard and still alive. The vet keeps me briefed on his condition and I firmly believe that God is going to show His love to Curt by keeping this dog alive and also by showing the benevolence of others. There is no doubt about it, if you do it unto the least of these (in this case it means a little dalmation puppy) you are doing it unto God. How cool is that!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Stressed

There are so many irrational thoughts hitting my brain right now about him being gone.  With so much responsibility also comes the realization that none of it matters if I don’t continue to invest in my relationship with him.  I need to let go and trust God that He is going to take care of everything.  It took a lot for me to give my heart to somebody.  More than a year ago I was in love with somebody else who stomped on it and thought he could sneak by and communicate with another female behind my back.  My gut told me that something wasn’t right and sure enough, a little sleuthing unearthed so much more.  I have problems with trust.  Ben has my heart and I have no reason not to trust him, but when I see other girls become his friend on Facebook, this green headed monster raises its head and attacks my soul. Granted most of them are people he went to High School with, but still.

 

I trust him.  I love him.  It’s just hard being separated from the one you love.  Too many years of being cheated on by other boyfriends have ruined it for me.  Yet Ben is nothing like any of them.

 

He has my heart.  God has my heart. 

 

Deployments are tumultuous things to have to contend with.

 

I miss him so much.

Deployment

 

Dealing with the emotions of a deployment is no easy task to wrestle with, especially if the only practice you have really had with it has been from an ex boyfriend or two.  Nothing says reality like sending your husband off into a war zone.  I know that people mean well, but until it has affected them personally and in an immediate way, they really don’t have a clue what it means to be separated from somebody for months at a time.  My ability to just pick up the phone and call or text whenever I feel like it is no longer a viable option and you begin to realize just how meaningful everything in life is and how meaningless a lot of the other stuff really.

 

For safety’s sake I am not allowed to discuss really where he is going and for how long.  Do you blame me? Most people know that I want to become an expert in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and work directly with our combat veterans who are suffering from combat stress.  After the horrors of what transpired yesterday at Fort Hood with Major Hasan, I am even more convinced of my calling in life.  Without getting into the why of what happened yesterday, all I can say is that my heart is for reaching out to veterans, their families and their closest friends and help them walk the road to recovery.

 

Ben has my heart and soul.  Nobody knows the pain of sending somebody off into the unknown.  You are wracked with so many different emotions which oftentimes are confusing.  First there is the pain of separation, then the numbness, then the reality that you just sent off your warrior into a hostile area and there is a small chance that they may encounter the enemy or some other danger.

 

People have been telling me all sorts of things when they hear my husband is deployed.  Most mean well, but you would laugh if you heard the garbage that comes out of their mouth.  “I can’t imagine what it must feel like to send you husband off for15 months.” ….”My boss was a vietnam veteran and he almost died several times.” “What’s it like knowing you will be without your safety net for months at a time?”….the list goes on and on and on and on….

 

It’s been three weeks since he left with a lot more to go.  To be perfectly honest I cry often, but I am so proud of him.  Yes we have made a HUGE sacrifice for the sake of safety and protection of people all over the world, but God is in control and Ben is in His sovereign hands.

computer addiction

The irony that my husband’s first job was called “Computer Addiction” doesn’t escape me for a second.  I laugh but lately have been threatened to instant message him across the apartment in order to get him to pay attention to a point I need to make.  He admits he spends way too much time on the web, but hey, at least I know I will be able to get ahold of him easily once he deploys and so I am not going to nag him about it.

 

Here is all the proof anybody needs…

 

Honeymoon

 

Ironman 5 days later

 

Look at the top of the picture….he is sitting at his computer….

 

 

It is quite funny!  I love the adjustment period…LOL

dreams are reality

 

 

At 36.5 years old I married the one I love…

 

Dreams do come true.  Just believe.

delicate

a rotten day in multiple ways turned into something so much better...without even reading last night's blog, my love showed up with a dozen perfect red roses....

just because.

my reaction...i sobbed.

i heart ben.