Monday, October 13, 2008

Blind Rage and Being Smacked With the Truth

Trust is a core value of mine that is very hard for me to give to a guy I am interested in. Everybody knows I wear my heart on my sleeve and my passion for life 98% of the time allows me to forge deep friendships with people.

I used to open my heart up and jump in more times than I have cared to in relationships with people who did not place God into the center of their lives. To some degree it has shaped my natural expectation of how I am going to be treated in a relationship and if things fall out of my ability to control (based on fear) or my expectations (whatever they may be) I freak.

No more excuses. I sat through yet another week of the Truth Project and came to realize how much my flesh really fights against what I know to be right. That inherently, by design, I need to as a Child of God suppress what I really want to do and say and respond with Godly love and kindness. I don't mean to be a jerk. Truly in my heart of hearts, I am reacting out of fear. What does God say about fear? He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. Wow, am I really responding in that capacity? NO!

I must take responsibility for my actions. Stop expecting things to be about me and start to open my eyes to the world around me and embrace the struggle of push forward to be transformed into what God has designed me to be as a whole, happy, child of God.

It's not about me. It should never be about me. I am not a child of this world anymore. I am a child of God and must strive to live my life intentionally, with unconditional love and with the knowledge that He ultimately has a plan for my life that exceeds my expectations. What are the fruits of the Spirit? Love, Joy , Peace, Patience, Gentleness, Kindness, Faith, Meekness and Self-Control...none of which I exhibit when my humanity kicks in fully.

So with great humility I write knowing my entire life has been laid down at the feet of Jesus in an act of surrender.

No longer can I act like a victim or that I have been slighted. I need to walk with the knowledge that I am responsible for my responses and the eyes of the world are watching to see how I reacted.

I am embarassed to say the least about my behavior, but there is no better salve for a wound that keeps festering than placing it out there for everybody to be made aware of and to serve as a reminder to me of my fallibility and need for God to be the my number one priority in life.

A few months ago I wrote on forgiveness and the act of it. Well now I can see where I really need to take it one step forward and be alert, for the enemy is like a roaring lion seeking who he can devour. I need to take a deep breath and think before I speak. Sure passion is a great thing to embrace, but only in the right context. I am tired of making excuses. So now I take responsibility.

I am sorry.

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