delicate

a rotten day in multiple ways turned into something so much better...without even reading last night's blog, my love showed up with a dozen perfect red roses....

just because.

my reaction...i sobbed.

i heart ben.

Champagne Truffles and Camouflage Dreams

The sound of a kiss is not so loud as that of a cannon,
but its echo lasts a great deal longer.

- Oliver Wendell Holmes

I admit it. I am a sucker for romance. Nothing captivates my soul like the chance to escape the craziness of life, kick back with my journal and write under the soft amber flicker of candles lit up all over the apartment.

I dream about romance. As idealistic as it may seem, it would be so much easier if I could convey this to Ben without having to say a word. To be swept off my feet by my 6-1 blond haired soldier with the piercing blue eyes. Then again, life is what you make of it.

I'm a passionate person. No matter what I am focused on, I insert all of myself into the moment and focus til I am absolutely worn out. Case in point. The past two weeks I have had finals. In all of the mayhem of planning my wedding, I started graduate school and was not prepared for the onslaught of having to write so many darn papers. In effect, that is all I have been doing and I think my eyes and countenance show it.

When I stress my knee jerk reaction is to go sit in a room off by myself, throw on my I-pod and have a quiet time or write in my journal. It is where I am most captivated. It finally dawned on me that I can do something about it.

I love chocolate. I love people. I love the fact I am marrying a soldier. I love the scent of a candle and the way it softly lights a room. I love journaling. I love spending time pampering myself with bubble baths and bath salts. I love a freshly ground cup of coffee. I love fresh roses and flowers. I love to cook. I love Jesus and I love spending time with Him.

I need to figure out a way to merge all of those elements together and make something happen.

Since my world life is about romance, then perhaps what has really been camouflaged is the reality of how much I am romanced by God. I see beauty in everything. The stench of a homeless person overridden by their smile. The chatter of my dog's teeth chasing who knows what in her sleep. The sound of combat boots hitting the carpet after a long day. The sight of a rainbow stretched perfectly across the sky.

I have been dreaming of champagne truffles and camouflage. My wedding and the deployment. My idea of romance and being romantic. I think I can merge it all together and make it happen...somehow, someway....

What Makes Them HEROES?

Lately I have been emotionally ballistic. I have exactly one month to go til the wedding and 2.5 months til Ben deploys for 13 months. He doesn't know how to deal with me sometimes. Heck, I don't know how to handle myself either. Reality has pierced my heart and no longer do I subscribe to the idea of love dictated by an exhaustive bucket list of who my dream guy is...and you know what, I have been captivated. My warrior guy smells like a man after 12 hours on the job, makes sure I am told every day what I mean to him and never gave up while pursuing me. He has become my hero, my rescuing knight, the stallion I always talk about...

I finally surrendered. It took months of fighting it, fighting him and fighting myself. After all, it takes one heck of a man to cause a woman who normally flees or avoids pain, to face herself and not run away. I have never been more scared or more passionate about the situation. So, tentatively, I embrace the unknown and step out boldly to walk the journey with my hero, the love of my life, Ben.

This e-mail arrived in my inbox earlier. It is an excerpt from one of my favorite books and captures so eloquently my thoughts about him. Enjoy...

"That strength so essential to men is also what makes them heroes. If a neighborhood is safe, it's because of the strength of men. Slavery was stopped by the strength of men, at a terrible price to them and their families. The Nazis were stopped by men. Apartheid wasn't defeated by women. Who gave their seats up on the lifeboats leaving the Titanic, so that women and children would be saved? And have we forgotten—it was a Man who let himself be nailed to Calvary's Cross. This isn't to say women can't be heroic. I know many heroic women. It's simply to remind us that God made men the way they are because we desperately need them to be the way they are. Yes, a man is a dangerous thing. So is a scalpel. It can wound or it can save your life. You don't make it safe by making it dull; you put it in the hands of someone who knows what he's doing.

If you've spent any time around horses, you know a stallion can be a major problem. They're strong, very strong, and they've got a mind of their own. Stallions typically don't like to be bridled, and they can get downright aggressive—especially if there are mares around. A stallion is hard to tame. If you want a safer, quieter animal, there's an easy solution: castrate him. A gelding is much more compliant. You can lead him around by the nose; he'll do what he's told without putting up a fuss. There's only one problem: Geldings don't give life. They can't come through for you the way a stallion can. A stallion is dangerous all right, but if you want the life he offers, you have to have the danger too. They go together. (Wild at Heart)"

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